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Demetri Martin Quotes


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Quotes by Demetri Martin

Showing 1-10 of 88 Quotes by Demetri Martin

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Bite Cute Does Dog Eat Feel Girl Had He Her How Know Liar Liars Like Love Me Met Name Oh Oh Yeah Park Said She Some Started Talking Them Then Trust Up Women Yeah You I Love I Feel I Feel Like

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My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Always Another Apple Because Cause Chance Crappy Favorite Fruit Get Grapes Hope Just Know Move Move On Next No Problem Peach Piece Problem Stuck You

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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Because Confusing Die Fun Other Sometimes Sport Sure Swimming Times Which You

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I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

~Demetri Martin

Topics: About Be Nice Behavior Chased Day Decision Dressed For The Day Get Hope Like Making Morning Nice People Put Really Saying Sneakers Sometimes Think Today You Your I Think

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The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Because Camera Digital Great Instantly Invention Reminisce Us

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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Am Else Guy He Me Park Said Someone Sorry Then Thought Walking Were You I Am

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I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Avoid Batteries Cause Confusion Foreigners Hard Hello Kind Know Like Noticed Some Someone Stuttering Think Were Would Yes You I Think

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I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Back Certain Just Keep Lighter Like Pocket Really Smoker Songs Time

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Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Apologize Except Funeral Same Saying Sorry

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I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Finish Go Jigsaw Jigsaw Puzzle Make Outside Pieces Puzzle Says Wanna You

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Biography

Nationality: American

Type: Comedian

Born: May 25th, 1973

Links

Find Demetri Martin on Amazon

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