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Emo Philips Quotes


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Quotes by Emo Philips

Showing 11-20 of 41 Quotes by Emo Philips

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

~Emo Philips

Topics: Around Blanks Children Down Go Jump Know Little Little Children Love Only Run Screaming Up Up And Down Using Watch Yelling I Love

Keywords: None


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I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

~Emo Philips

Topics: Day Got Me New Other Some Underwear Well

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I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

~Emo Philips

Topics: Bar Beer Getting Nursing Quite

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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

~Emo Philips

Topics: Able Big Big Guy Corners Face Fight Floor Get Going Got Guy He Oh Oh Yeah One Time Really Said Sorry Time Very Well Why Yeah You Your

Keywords: None


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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

~Emo Philips

Topics: Avenue Dollars Down Feel Fifth Fifty Found Gonna How Hundred Keep Lesson Lost Rather Realized Return Taught Than Thought Today Walking Wallet Want Well Would I Feel

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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

~Emo Philips

Topics: Chewing Just Leather Mornings Some Through Worth

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My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

~Emo Philips

Topics: British Comics Copy Duplicate Head Heads Jokes Lot Safe Where

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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

~Emo Philips

Topics: Hand Here How How Many People Many People Powers Raise

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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

~Emo Philips

Topics: Coffee First Get Had Hot Just Morning Oh Other Pot Started Tried Until Up Wake Wake Up

Keywords: None


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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

~Emo Philips

Topics: Back Givers Hate Indian Know Take You

Keywords: None


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Biography

Nationality: American

Type: Comedian

Born: February 7th, 1956

Links

Find Emo Philips on Amazon

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