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Emo Philips Quotes


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Quotes by Emo Philips

Showing 1-10 of 41 Quotes by Emo Philips

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

~Emo Philips

Topics: Any Anything Classmates Limit Moved Myself Never Reason Saw Would

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

~Emo Philips

Topics: Beat Boxing Chess Computer Kick Match Me Once

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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

~Emo Philips

Topics: Asked Bicycle Every Every Night Forgive Forgive Me Him Kid Lord Me New Night Pray Realised Stole Then Used Way Work

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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

~Emo Philips

Topics: Because Been Day Devil Family Family Member Good Good Day Life Member Otherwise Person Pretty Pretty Good Time Worst

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You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

~Emo Philips

Topics: Appreciate Being Day Every Every Day Get Good Later Life Like Little Little Things Lot Middle-Aged Money Older Pay School Stuff Things Until Woman You

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I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

~Emo Philips

Topics: Finally Five Here Lady Miles Purse Ran Said Take Then Today Your

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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

~Emo Philips

Topics: Combination Evil Incompetence Like Office Post Post Office Russians Sort Tanks Understand Way

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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

~Emo Philips

Topics: Disaster He Helps Me Never Sites Smile Taught Visit Which

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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

~Emo Philips

Topics: Following Gay Had Him Large Lost Once

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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

~Emo Philips

Topics: Antidote Away Charge Contained Dollars First Five Free Give Glass Lemonade Second Stand Used

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Biography

Nationality: American

Type: Comedian

Born: February 7th, 1956

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Find Emo Philips on Amazon

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