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Demetri Martin Quotes


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Quotes by Demetri Martin

Showing 11-20 of 88 Quotes by Demetri Martin

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Am Dude Ever Fine Gonna Intelligent Just Kevin Kidney Most Nobel Nobel Prize Prize Said Started Thank Thing Turtle Wanna Win Wonder Word You Your I Am I Wonder

Keywords: None


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I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Did Everything Good Good Student Got Kid Student Supposed

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A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Bumper Hang Hey Like Little Lot Me Mind Never Out People Says Shortcut Sign Sticker

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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Because Building Choose Down Elevator Escalator Fell Half Hour Hour And A Half Move One Time Over Riding Stairs Time Tripped Up

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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Because Disappointing Disapproval Found Freedom Good Good Thing People Thing A Good Thing

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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Calling Ever Getting Hanged Just Letters Out Saw Start

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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Bee Bird Child Door Glass Running Same Sliding

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I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Always Asked Big Bite Does Dog Eat Had He Her How Liar Liars Like Met Name Said She Some Them Then Trust Who Woman Women You

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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Alone Busy Characters Could Create Died Game Games Got Guy Head Help Hey Hospital Leave Leave Me Alone Like Man Me Other Performing Playing Shot Super Surgery Times Very Video Video Game Video Games Violent Want Which Who You

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I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

~Demetri Martin

Topics: Ability Appearing Apple Basket Because Fruit Gives Hell Hell Is Insane Just Like Mail Nice Piece Someone Without You

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Biography

Nationality: American

Type: Comedian

Born: May 25th, 1973

Links

Find Demetri Martin on Amazon

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