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Mitch Hedberg Quotes


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Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Showing 1-10 of 59 Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

~Mitch Hedberg

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

~Mitch Hedberg

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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

~Mitch Hedberg

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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

~Mitch Hedberg

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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

~Mitch Hedberg

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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

~Mitch Hedberg

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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

~Mitch Hedberg

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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

~Mitch Hedberg

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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

~Mitch Hedberg

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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

~Mitch Hedberg

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Biography

Nationality: American

Type: Comedian

Born: February 24th, 1968

Died: March 30th, 2005

Links

Find Mitch Hedberg on Amazon

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